Spurrier: "Cory Boyd Crack Reference All My Fault."
Columbia- South Carolina head ball coach Steve Spurrier came to the defense of embattled running back Cory Boyd on Tuesday, stating that Boyd's nationally televised declaration that, after a one year suspension for violating undisclosed athletic policies, he was "back like cooked crack!" was all the Ball Coach's fault.
"Shoot, ya'll know how it is. That cocaine is all over Florida", the Coach pointed out.
"I started with a little blow just to get up for the big games, Tennersee, the Cocktail Party. Then I took our system up to D.C. to show 'em that the ole Fun & Gun can work in the NFL. Well somebody at a party introduced me to Marion Barry, said that fella used to be the Mayor so I figured, you know, I oughta know who he is."
"I asked the Mayor 'What do ya'll do for fun up here?', and he said ' we like to light it up', so I said, 'Hey, the Ole Ball Coach has been lighting it up for years down in Gainesville', and he looked real surprised."
"So he says him and some friends are having a private afterparty at the Howard Johnson out by the airport, and says I should stop by. So I don't want to be rude to the danged mayor, so I tell him I'll be there."
"Needless to say that party wasn't exactly what the Ole Ball Coach thought it was going to be. I tried a little of that stuff just to be social, and man, it hit me faster than Rece Caldwell on the ole fake end-around double reverse pass. I was hooked. Next thing you know I'm sneaking around DC looking to score some rock in back alleys, and the danged old Redskins can't even get in the playoffs."
"But I've been clean for 32 months, 5 days, 3 hours and 51 minutes. I told Cory about my struggles with the crack over the summer because I thought it would motivate him. Ya'll have heard me say this team just don't have the motivation it needs. I guess Cory misunderstood me the same way ya'll reporters have misunderstood me over the years. I should have been more clear that the Ole Ball Coach's experiences up in the capitol were a cautionary tale. So ya'll just lay off this young man. Besides, if the university suspends him again and I have to lean on Blake Mitchell, we are all screwed. And you can't spell "screwed" without "SC". Or "suck". But I'd rather ya'll didn't print that. I'll be down in Gainesville if anybody needs me."
"Shoot, ya'll know how it is. That cocaine is all over Florida", the Coach pointed out.
"I started with a little blow just to get up for the big games, Tennersee, the Cocktail Party. Then I took our system up to D.C. to show 'em that the ole Fun & Gun can work in the NFL. Well somebody at a party introduced me to Marion Barry, said that fella used to be the Mayor so I figured, you know, I oughta know who he is."
"I asked the Mayor 'What do ya'll do for fun up here?', and he said ' we like to light it up', so I said, 'Hey, the Ole Ball Coach has been lighting it up for years down in Gainesville', and he looked real surprised."
"So he says him and some friends are having a private afterparty at the Howard Johnson out by the airport, and says I should stop by. So I don't want to be rude to the danged mayor, so I tell him I'll be there."
"Needless to say that party wasn't exactly what the Ole Ball Coach thought it was going to be. I tried a little of that stuff just to be social, and man, it hit me faster than Rece Caldwell on the ole fake end-around double reverse pass. I was hooked. Next thing you know I'm sneaking around DC looking to score some rock in back alleys, and the danged old Redskins can't even get in the playoffs."
"But I've been clean for 32 months, 5 days, 3 hours and 51 minutes. I told Cory about my struggles with the crack over the summer because I thought it would motivate him. Ya'll have heard me say this team just don't have the motivation it needs. I guess Cory misunderstood me the same way ya'll reporters have misunderstood me over the years. I should have been more clear that the Ole Ball Coach's experiences up in the capitol were a cautionary tale. So ya'll just lay off this young man. Besides, if the university suspends him again and I have to lean on Blake Mitchell, we are all screwed. And you can't spell "screwed" without "SC". Or "suck". But I'd rather ya'll didn't print that. I'll be down in Gainesville if anybody needs me."
When Spurrier hired this guy to coach DB's, it really should have been a tipoff to the 'Skins front office.
***Do I really need to tell anyone that this is a parody of a real news story? Gosh I hope not. You know nobody at The State would really write anything critical of the Ole Ball Coach.
posted by MaconDawg at 8:45 AM
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